I don’t have a lot of brain power left tonight. Like millions of other procrastinators, I’ve been working on my taxes most of the day. But I was determined to post something (anything!) tonight before I went to bed, so here goes.
The last six months or so have been marked by many blessings and some unexpected challenges. If you’d told me 18 months ago that I’d be where I am, doing what I’m doing, I wouldn’t have believed you. The thing is, I have a pretty strong feeling that 18 months from now, I’m going to be surprised at where I’ll be then, too. Don’t ask me why. It’s one of those feelings. I’ve had them before, and (at least when I’ve paid attention and recognized them for what they are) they’ve usually been pretty right on.
Mind you, these feelings are pretty vague—not anything you can really hang your hat on. Which makes it a little hard to talk about them to most folks. When my husband and I split up, for example, I pretty much fell into a black hole when it came to knowing what to do next. It was the first time in my life that I didn’t know what was next. Up until then, I had always known what was next. Not that I had a plan or anything; the next thing just showed up (this is another story entirely).
But back to the black hole.
Anyway, somewhere in the black hole, a feeling floated up, or more appropriately, a knowing. A knowing that said I wasn’t going to be staying in the town where my husband and I had lived for eleven years. Hmm. But that’s all I got—that I wasn’t going to live my life out in the charming little town I had come to love—and since that wasn’t much to go on, I sat tight.
About two and a half years later, I gradually became aware of another knowing. This one said it was time for me to think about where I was going to go. So I did. To make a very long story short, less than a year later, I was living in another state.
Now I’m back in North Carolina, in the town that’s more like home to me than my true hometown, and yet…there’s that feeling again. The sense that this is a way station, that my journeying doesn’t end here. I don’t even know what that means, but it feels true to me.
Which, as I told my friends this past weekend, makes me feel a little strange—like I shouldn’t get too comfortable where I am. Of course, when that knowing bubbled up out of the black hole back then, it was ultimately three and a half years before I went anywhere, so…who knows?
My primary goal these days is to roll with whatever comes my way, the way I used to live without thinking it the least bit odd. Now I know how almost magical those years were, and I’m trying to make a space for that magic to inhabit my life again. Knowing what I know now, it’s hard to remain in a place of innocent expectation that things will simply unfold, and yet, knowing what I know now, it’s hard not to believe—to know—that they will.
If this sounds like so much New Age gobbledy-gook to you, I understand completely. I know how crazy it sounds, but I also know that it makes total sense to me in a way that I can’t even begin to explain. Perhaps when I’m a little less brain-dead, I’ll give it another shot.
p.s. I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. :-)