black holes and stepping into the unknown

I don’t have a lot of brain power left tonight. Like millions of other procrastinators, I’ve been working on my taxes most of the day. But I was determined to post something (anything!) tonight before I went to bed, so here goes.

The last six months or so have been marked by many blessings and some unexpected challenges. If you’d told me 18 months ago that I’d be where I am, doing what I’m doing, I wouldn’t have believed you. The thing is, I have a pretty strong feeling that 18 months from now, I’m going to be surprised at where I’ll be then, too. Don’t ask me why. It’s one of those feelings. I’ve had them before, and (at least when I’ve paid attention and recognized them for what they are) they’ve usually been pretty right on.

Mind you, these feelings are pretty vague—not anything you can really hang your hat on. Which makes it a little hard to talk about them to most folks. When my husband and I split up, for example, I pretty much fell into a black hole when it came to knowing what to do next. It was the first time in my life that I didn’t know what was next. Up until then, I had always known what was next. Not that I had a plan or anything; the next thing just showed up (this is another story entirely).

But back to the black hole.

Anyway, somewhere in the black hole, a feeling floated up, or more appropriately, a knowing. A knowing that said I wasn’t going to be staying in the town where my husband and I had lived for eleven years. Hmm. But that’s all I got—that I wasn’t going to live my life out in the charming little town I had come to love—and since that wasn’t much to go on, I sat tight.

About two and a half years later, I gradually became aware of another knowing. This one said it was time for me to think about where I was going to go. So I did. To make a very long story short, less than a year later, I was living in another state.

Now I’m back in North Carolina, in the town that’s more like home to me than my true hometown, and yet…there’s that feeling again. The sense that this is a way station, that my journeying doesn’t end here. I don’t even know what that means, but it feels true to me.

Which, as I told my friends this past weekend, makes me feel a little strange—like I shouldn’t get too comfortable where I am. Of course, when that knowing bubbled up out of the black hole back then, it was ultimately three and a half years before I went anywhere, so…who knows?

My primary goal these days is to roll with whatever comes my way, the way I used to live without thinking it the least bit odd. Now I know how almost magical those years were, and I’m trying to make a space for that magic to inhabit my life again. Knowing what I know now, it’s hard to remain in a place of innocent expectation that things will simply unfold, and yet, knowing what I know now, it’s hard not to believe—to know—that they will.

If this sounds like so much New Age gobbledy-gook to you, I understand completely. I know how crazy it sounds, but I also know that it makes total sense to me in a way that I can’t even begin to explain. Perhaps when I’m a little less brain-dead, I’ll give it another shot.


p.s. I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. :-)



10 thoughts on “black holes and stepping into the unknown

  1. The magic can return. You’ve already gotten the “knowing” part (isn’t it cool and also hard to explain?) so what’s next is the rolling.
    What if you don’t need to know today where you’ll be in 18 months?

  2. I don’t think it sounds crazy at all. It sounds like you are someone who has a well developed intuition, and you trust it, but with caution. I think it’s a wonderful thing, and I hope that you are happy with wherever you end up! I have honestly felt that way a lot of my life too, just knowing I was going to pick up and move somewhere else. Ironically enough, the town I currently live in (in North Carolina) feels like home more than some places I’ve lived for over 10 years.

    Enjoyed this post, your perspective is great. Keep following your intuition! :)

    • Thanks, Courtney.

      I haven’t always gotten this kind of “advance notice.” The decision to move back to NC was made rather suddenly during a conversation with a friend. However, in retrospect, I now realize that my inner guidance system had been trying to move me in that direction for awhile—closing doors, throwing up roadblocks, doing everything it could to tell me it was time to go—I just wasn’t listening. It was a lesson hard won, but I got the message. Now I’m back to letting go, listening, paying attention to what’s in front of me, and feeling my way forward. :)

  3. I just finished writing a blog about changes happening without effort on our part when we are in the flow. I totally get what you are saying and live in the same bubble of reality. It’s great that you know how to ride the river and wait to see what is around the bend. I’m delighted you shared this. :) <3

  4. How timely a post, and kismet that you should offer it just now. This is actually something that’s been on my mind a lot. Lately, certainly, but it’s been a recurring feature in my dreams for a long time, and a recurring theme in my poetry. The end of a long marriage and move from the place I’d lived for the longest period as an adult (9 yrs) is the cause of these thoughts for me as well. The city I lived in was beautiful, I had many friends there, people reacted with envy when they learned where I lived, but it was no longer right for me. I moved back to my hometown for the first time since high school, re-built relationships with people with whom I grew up, made many new friends, got quite involved in the arts community and other activities that should have provided a solid anchorage. But something is missing, and I know I won’t stay for good, or even for half a decade. It’s me, not the place, but it’s also about a disconnection with time. When I resolve that feeling of not quite belonging to my current position in the fourth dimension, the other three will fall into place, at least that’s my thought, and my way forward. “The road leads ever on and on.”

    • I felt that way about Richmond. Great city, lots to offer, but after six years, it still didn’t feel like home. I know I was supposed to go there—to have the experiences I had and meet the folks I was supposed to meet (some of whom will be my friends forever)—but the decision to come back to NC finally happened when I realized that, even though I was “led” to move there (which was one of my excuses for trying to stick it out), that didn’t mean I had to stay. When my friend Frank asked, “What if the next thing on your path involves leaving Richmond?” I finally “got” that it was okay to leave. I messaged about 50 of my Raleigh/Durham friends the next day, had a choreography job lined up within three days, and had my house on the market in a month.

      I understand the thing about not quite belonging (see my post on fringe dwelling), and I feel it keenly these days. Sending good thoughts for your journey. :)

  5. It doesn’t sound strange at all… I believe we can ‘feel’ when something is not right or about to change… the secret is in knowing what to do with those feelings.. let them unfold or do something to move them along… Just a thought.. Diane

    • I don’t think it sounds strange to a person who listens to and acts on his/her intuition/feelings (which you clearly are). :) However, there are folks out there who couldn’t imagine living their lives in such an uncertain way, without planning everything out five years in advance. (“You’re moving to a city in another state where you don’t know anyone and don’t have a job based on a feeling? Are you nuts?” This is exactly what I did 7 years ago, but I didn’t tell many people the decision was based on a feeling. Instead, I made stuff up—I needed space after my divorce, I wanted to be closer to Mom, etc. etc.—stuff that sounded “reasonable.”) These days, I’m less self-conscious about talking about following my intuition, and I think more people are open to the idea.

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