I can’t seem to get my thoughts together enough these days to write anything coherent about what I’ve been going through lately, so there are a number of unfinished drafts in my posts folder. Perhaps time and distance will provide clarity and insight and the ability to communicate the jumble of events and emotions that have marked the past year, especially the past three or four months, but it’s not going to happen any time soon. I’ve only recently accepted this as being what is and stopped beating myself up for it.
In fact, acceptance of what is seems to be the task in front of me right now. It’s not that I’ve stopped envisioning what I want. I’ve been doing that for some time now, and still do. However, a big part of my struggles of late has been my disappointment that what I’ve envisioned isn’t exactly what’s materialized.
But that’s a subject for another post.
As has always been the case with me, I often look to others to find the words that will express what I want to express or the words that will inspire some shift in my head and my heart. Searching out and sharing the words of others has been a huge part of this blog from the beginning, and in spite of the short circuit in my own head that’s keeping me from writing about my stuff, I’ve managed to continue to post quotes du jour and other articles and readings by writers whose work I admire.
This has been my way of heeding the words of Bhagavan Das, “Be here now” (which inspired the book by Ram Dass). If I can’t write, at least I can continue to share the writing of others. It is what it is. Be here now.
At first, though, I even stressed over this. After all, I was letting days go by (sometimes a week!) between quotes du jour. (Nevermind that I was, for a while, in a place where I didn’t have reliable internet access.) There was a part of me that still felt I was letting down my readers.
But then I let go of that, too. I figured I was getting something out there, even if it was sporadic. I was dealing with a lot of upheaval, I was doing the best I could, and I just couldn’t worry about it.
Oddly, in spite of the reduced activity and attention on my part, I started to notice an increase in the people following my blog. Three years of blogging has resulted in 385 followers to date; 40 of them started following in the last month, 15 of those in just the last week (five of them today!). As the notifications have continued to arrive in my inbox, I’ve scratched my head and wondered why all these nice people are suddenly deciding to follow my rather neglected blog. I’ve thought about it a lot the last few days.
From time to time, some of you are kind enough to take the time to tell me that a particular quote or article has meaning for you, was “just what [you] needed to hear” that day. I usually reply that most days I post what speaks to me, and that I’m glad that what speaks to me has touched you. This is especially true lately. With all of the craziness of late, I’ve been seeking a lot of solace and reassurance in the writings of others, so many of my recent posts are indirect ways of saying, “This is what I’m feeling right now. This is what’s on my mind.”
What has come round to settle in my heart/mind this morning is this: By simply being me, by going through whatever it is I’m going through, by “being here now” and letting go of shoulds, I can still touch others. In fact, perhaps I can do it even more effectively, because I’m not fretting over what should be; I’m accepting what is, and that allows me to keep moving forward instead of being stuck and of no use to anyone, much less myself. Although what I’m able to offer right now isn’t what I would consider ideal, it’s what I’m able to offer, and maybe that’s good enough.
I ran across a favorite quote by Hafiz this morning, and, as is often the case, it’s so appropriate for what I’m going through at the moment.
This place where you are right now, God circled on a map for you. ~Hafiz
So…for whatever reason, we’ve all landed in this place on the map together, and I’m glad. Thanks for being here now.